Stefan’s Diaries: Origins Chapter 10

September 4, 1864Midnight. Too late to fall asleep, alike early to be awake. A placedle burns on my nightstand, the flicker shadows foreboding.I am haunted already. Will I ever liberate myself for non finding Rosalyn until it was too late? And why is she the 1 I vowed to forgetstill on my mind?My head is pounding. Cordelia is always at the door, offering drinks, lozenges, powdered herbs. I take them, like a recuperating child. breed and Damon glance at me when they think Im asleep. Do they know of the nightmares?I survey marriage was a fate worse than death. I was hurt. I was wrong nearly so many things, too many things, and all I can do is pray for forgiveness and hope that somehow, somewhere, I can summonstrength from the depths of myexistence to step firmly onto the pathof the c everyplace again. I go forth do it. I must.For Rosalyn.And for her.Now I will blow out the candle andhope for sleeplike that of the deadto engulf me quickly.Stefan Time to get up my father ca lled, slamming my chamber door.What? I struggled to sit, not sure what minute of arc it was, or what day it was, or how much time had passed since Rosalyns death. Day faded into night, and I could never sincerely sleep, only doze into terrifying dreams. I wouldnt have eaten anything, except that Cordelia proceed to come into my room with her concoctions, spoon-feeding them to me to ensure that they were eaten. Shed brand name fried chicken and okra plant and a thick mash of what she called sufferer stew which she said would, make me feel better.Shed left another unity, a drink this time, on my nightstand. I drank it quickly.Get ready. Alfred will help you prepare, my father said.Get ready for what? I asked, swinging my legs onto the floor. I hobbled to the mirror. I had stubble over my chin, and my tawny pilus stood up on all residuums. My eye were red, and my nightshirt was hanging off my shoulders. I looked awful. Father stood behind me, appraising my reflection. Y oull p ull yourself together. Today is Rosalyns funeral, and its classic to me and the Cartwrights that we are there. We want to show e rattling whizz that we must band together against the demonic thats scourging our town.While Father prattled on about demons, I thought about facing the Cartwrights for the prototypal time. I still matte horribly guilty. I couldnt help thinking that the attack wouldnt have happened if Id been waiting for Rosalyn on the porch, sort of of lingering in the study with Katherine. If Id been out typeface, waiting for Rosalyn, I would have seen her walk of life from the fields in her pink dress. Maybe I could have face death with her, too, and she wouldnt have had to con appear that nightmarish animal alone. I may not have loved Rosalyn, but I couldnt forgive myself for not being there to save her.Well, come on, Father said impatiently as Alfred walked in, holding a w nocke linen shirt and a double-breasted black suit. I blanched. It was the suit Id have worn at my weddingand the perform where we were mourning Rosalyn was to have been the site of the ceremony establishing our union. Still, I managed to change into the suit, allowed Alfred to help me shave, since my hands allowed Alfred to help me shave, since my hands were so shaky, and emerged an hour later ready to do what I had to do.I kept my eyes down as I followed Father and Damon to the carriage. Father sat up front, next to Alfred, while Damon sat in the impale with me.How are you, chum? Damon asked above the familiar clip-clop of Dukes and Jakes hooves down Willow Creek Road.Not very well, I said formally, a stiff lump in my throat.Damon vomit a hand on my shoulder. The magpies chattered, the bees buzzed, and the sun cast a florid glow on the trees. The entire coach smelled like ginger, and I felt my stomach heave. It was the smell of guilt over lusting after a woman who was never to becould never bemy wife.Your first death, the first one you witness, changes you, Damo n said finally, as the coach pulled up to the white clapboard church. The church bells were ringing, and every business in town was closed for the day. except by chance it can change you for the better.Maybe, I said as I descended from the coach. But I didnt see how.We reached the door as Dr. Janes hobbled into the church, his cane in one hand and a flask of whiskey in another. Pearl and Anna were oceannce together, and Jonathan Gilbert sat behind them, his elbows perched on the edge of Pearls pew, just inches from her shoulder.Sheriff Forbes was in his usual place in the second pew, glaring at the practice bundling of rouged women from the tavern who had come to pay their respects. At the edge of their diffuse was Alice, the barmaid, cooling herself with a silk fan.Calvin Bailey, the organist, was playing an adaptation of Mozarts Requiem, but he seemed to hit a sour note every few chords. In the front pew, Mr. Cartwright stared straight ahead, while Mrs. Cartwright sobbed and occasionally blew her nose into a lace handkerchief. At the front of the church, a closed oak casket was covered with flowers. Wordlessly, I walked to the casket and knelt down in front of it.Im so sorry, I whispered, woful the casket, which felt cold and hard. Unbidden, images of my betrothed popped up in my mind Rosalyn giggling over her new puppy, giddily discussing flower combinations for our wedding, risking the wrath of her maid by place a covert kiss on my cheek at the end of one visit. I moved my hands off the casket and sick them together, as if in prayer. I hope that you and Penny have open each other in Heaven. I leaned down, permitting my lips graze the casket. I wanted her to know, wherever she was, that I would have learned to love her. Good-bye.I turned to take my seat and stopped short. Right behind me was Katherine. She was tiring a fateful- mordant cotton dress that stood out in the sea a dark-blue cotton dress that stood out in the sea of black crepe that filled the pews.Im so sorry for your loss, Katherine said, touching my arm. I flinched and drew my arm back. How dare she touch me so familiarly in public? Didnt she realize that if we hadnt been carrying on at the barbecue in the first place, the tragedy might never have happened?Concern registered in her dark eyes. I know how hard this must be for you, she said. Please let me know if you need anything.I immediately felt a flap of guilt for assuming she was doing anything other than showing sympathy. After all, her parents had died. She was just a young girl, reaching out to offer her support. She looked so sad that for one wild second, I was tempted to cross the aisle and comfort her.Thank you, I said instead, sucking in my stale breath and walking back to the pew. I slid next to Damon, who had his hands crossed piously over a Bible. I noticed his eyes flick up as Katherine shortly knelt down by the coffin. I followed his gaze, noticing the way several curls had escaped from a t a lower place her hat and were curling around the ornate clasp on her blue necklace.A few minutes later, the Requiem ended, and Pastor Collins strode up to the pulpit. Were here to celebrate a life cut far too short. There is evil among us, and we will mourn this death, but we will also draw strength from this death , he intoned.I covertly glanced across the aisle at Katherine. Her servant, Emily, was sitting next to her on one side and Pearl on the other. Katherines hands were folded as if in prayer. She turned slightly, as if to look at me. I forced myself to look away onwards our eyes could meet. I would not dishonor Rosalyn by thinking of Katherine.I gazed up at the unfinished, steepled beams of the church. Im sorry, I thought, sending the message upward and hoping that Rosalyn, wherever she was, heard it.